#well that was fucking harrowing
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Shower thoughts (Intrusive Edition)
#well that was fucking harrowing#'[Abhorrent absolutely vile thought like oh my god couldn't it be about killing people or self-harm or something]#'Man why do we keep having those specific thoughts. there must be something wrong with me. you can't let anyone find out ever.-#-it's probably your own fault. it usually is. it always is. hey remember how you wish the thoughts were about self harm what if we-#-no we sadly don't have the pain tolerance for self-harm' <-(This one in particular made me laugh for a bit)#*Exits shower* *Picks up phone*#'^_^; what was I thinking about again?'#I managed to get back into the spiral writing this post and I had the absolutely AMAZING thought of#'Oh that's good I don't think I deserve to get out of that spiral just yet'#LIKE WHAT. EXCUSE ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???#anyways. I will carry on like usual <-(feels like throwing up)
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sometimes I think of all the on-the-surface warm, well-meaning but deeply ineffectual advice and attention john gives harrow through harrow the ninth (make some soup and get some sleep! get a hobby! don't be so hard on yourself! self care harrow! as long as I need take no actual responsibility in this relationship whatsoever I would have loved to be your dad!) set up against the stark truth that with his other hand he has been staging her attempted horrific murder again and again and again like a living nightmare on the logic that it will 'put her down or fix her'. and then I find that I wish there is a hell. a special hell where twitch streamers turned necromantic death emperors go
#the locked tomb#harrowhark nonagesimus#john gaius#harrow the ninth#this is why I don't buy john as misunderstood and initially well-meaning AT ALL#this is a pattern you see with him again and again and again -- right down to his interpersonal relationships#(and indeed it's in the more grounded interpersonal relationships you can most clearly see him as he is I think#the fantasy death empire of a thousand years doesn't register quite as viscerally because it's like. heightened; not quite real#but the emotional violence and manipulation that surrounds him? oh boy that is EXTREMELY real and scarily well-observed)#there's a premeditation to so much of what he does (contracts with planets that only end 'in the event of the emperor's death' anyone?#yeah john we get it you're hilarious and I wish you weren't)#the greatest trick john ever pulled was making anyone think he's just a lil guy. what does he know he's only god#when you first read the book the complete callousness of the other adults is so horrible that john seems like an oasis of care#(though you start to get this uneasy feeling when that care never seems to translate to like... relief or soothing or resolution)#and it makes it feel almost obscene when you find out what's actually going on#it's the mercy & augustine enabler hour but at least they're completely honest in their cruelty there#while john is -- well he sure is being john huh#this is just me being angry with him btw philosophically I don't think this is how the story will or should end#(with john slam dunked right into hell that is)#it's just... harrow is so vulnerable. and what he does to her is so insidious and fucked up#john is very deeply human. unfortunately the capacity to quite simply suck so much is deeply human too
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i swear i am normal about him
#buckshot roulette#buckshot roulette dealer#buckshot roulette fanart#the dealer#dealer buckshot roulette#doodle post#doodle dump#i wasn't just gonna leave it at one illustration obviously. but i was kinda planning to draw an attack today..................#i am. well aware of the audience the dealer has and finding out i technically am part of it was both Very Funny and Harrowing. Fucking Oops
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rewatched madoka magica again today bc i fucking hate myself and to absolutely no one’s surprise i went through all five stages of grief in a single evening
#let’s talk about sayaka miki for a second#genuinely the fact that her whole character is centered around tragedy almost to a shakespearean extent#she’s selfless and brave and values her justice and righteousness above all. calls herself an ally of justice#in fact i think it’s rather intriguing how her whole character is centered around “justice”#her story being a more twisted retelling of the original little mermaid#how she is initially portrayed as a very heroic and confident character even before becoming a magical girl. always shielding madoka#selling her soul to heal the boy she loved out of a selfless desire to see him well again#her being absolutely distraught abt being robbed of her humanity and betrayed by kyubey#she combats this harrowing realization by immersing herself in her duties not caring that she is slowly deteriorating in the process#becoming numb with pain and fighting recklessly and psychotically trying to drown out the pain#finally coming to the sickening conclusion that humanity doesn’t deserve her saving and she succumbs to a fate of her making#last words being “i was so stupid” which trumps her previous statement of “there’s no way i’d regret this”#ALSO? the fact that her costume and weapon are symbolic of a knight. she rly portrays this hero of justice who will protect and defend ☹️#i think abt the fact that homura said that sayaka’s wish was so selfless it was only a matter of time before she died#sayaka being the example of what happens to magical girls who go through the entire cycle and eventually become witches is so sad to me#genuinely just like. sick and twisted#very very fucked up.#characters who have their own misconstrued interpretation of “justice” or who are centered around justice in general.#you will always be dear to me.#sayaka reminds me a lot of akechi in some ways ngl#harboring an almost idealized vision of justice but it slowly rots and festers and corrupts their hearts the more immersed w it they become#actually losing their sanity when they fight bc of how much pain they’re in but refuse to acknowledge it until they break#refusing any help and wallowing in misery despite having ppl who love them and want to save them#last words are those expressing regret for being such a fool. for being ignoring#being used by yhe main villain as a stepping stone towards their true goal. they were merely a pawn#also doomed in every version of their reality. always doomed by the narrative no matter what choices they make#i have a type i fear#HAHAHAH ALSO the fact that they’re both dressed so regally compared to everyone else in their respective series#meant to portray them in a virtuous and princely light. only made more apparent by the sword being their weapon of choice#i’m gonna shut up now but they’re soo eerily similar its unnerving tbh 💀
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my hot take that will get me screenshotted by 2-3 ianthe bloggers is that griddlehark is actually more toxic than harrianthe. when you think about it both parties can Leave harrianthe eventually even if they'd still have to see each other. The power imbalance just isn't that severe. and I don't even think ianthe wants it to be. I think SHE thinks she wants it to be a sexy power imbalance but when it comes down to it and the moment arrives when harrow would fuck her out of desperation to be safe, ianthe turns away. She doesn't want harrow that way. She wants harrow to forget Gideon so they can be lyctors together forever. She wants to mutually maim each other. I think it's even consensual maiming. harrow broke one of gideon's ribs when gideon tried to leave her!
#i do like harrianthe but it just doesn't quite have the same flavor now does it#< to be clear i am enjoying the fucked up power dynamic i think it would be hot for it to get reversed in atn too#something about harrow having to put herself at gideon's mercy after years of locking her up on the ninth is well. hm.#i think gideon could have been a little meaner about it. if she had wanted.#i understand she has the disease where she's obsessed with getting love the one place it's been withheld for the longest#but she could have taken a LITTLE revenge#well there's still time#anyway.
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Currently obsessed with the concept of mutual and acknowledged hanahaki. Like two people who both have hanahaki for each other, and who both know about it, who both know that the other loves them and still aren’t cured.
The flowers stay, not because their love isn’t reciprocated, but because they don’t belive in it, or because its temporary, because the other deserves better, because they have complicated history, because they both already have significant others, perhaps the love isn’t enough because they both can’t put that love first, maybe their ideals and lotalties come first for both. Its not unrequited love, but its not quite enough.
just kinda love the image of two lovers-but-not-yet-maybe-never-lovers sitting together, picking flowers out of each other’s throats.
#read approximately 200 zosan fics and this is the result#also this is just the entirety of the second half of Little Mushroom#Where they’re like Damn I love you so fucking much#unfortunately I simply cannot give up my ideals and self for this love and I know you can’t either and I live you for it#Its very griddlehark as well#OH AS SOOO CORONA IANTHE SISTER THINGS#hanahaki in a platonic sense for that one#omg actually its sooo isolde/kakania too#all my favourite things will fig jnto thix new thing im obsessed with anc you can fo nothing to stop mr#headcanon#reverse 1999#the locked tomb#gideon the ninth#harrow the ninth#little mushroom#one piece#griddlehark#zosan
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from "your dad" -> "who do you think sent runaan to kill dad"
#reread dreamer's nightmare god i forgot how it fucking destroys me#LIKE HARROW IS TRYING SO DAMN HARD TO BE A GOOD AUTISM DAD TO EZRAN WHILE ALSO TRYING TO PARENT CALLUM BUT CALLUM JUST DOESN'T EVEN SEE HIM#AS HIS PARENT HE'S JUST THE CARETAKER WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AND WHO FAVORS EZ AND HE FEELS LIKE HE HAS NO RIGHT TO BRING UP SARAI EVEN THO#GH THEY BOTH LOVED HER BUT SHE DIED BEFORE THEY COULD BOND OVER THAT FACT SO HARROW IS JUST TRYING TO SHOW THAT HE LOVES THIS LITTLE PIECE#F SARAI AND THAT HE'S ALL HE HAS LEFT OF HER BUT TO CALLUM LIKE THEY WERE ALL EACH OTHER HAD (BESIDES AMAYA) AND THEN HARROW COMES AND UPRO#TS THEIR LIFE AND THEN SHE GETS KILLED (AND WE DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH CALLUM EVEN KNOWS BUT ONE CAN ASSUMED THAT HE PROBABLY BLAMES HIM AT LEA#T A LITTLE) AND IT FEELS LIKE A PUNCH IN THE FACE WHENEVER HARROW ACKNOWLEDGES HER BC TO CALLUM HE COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND#exhale#erm well that just happened#callum#tdp callum#king harrow#harrow#tdp harrow#tdp s7#dreamer's nightmare#tdp#the dragon prince#continuethesaga#giveusthesaga
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breaking the law and outing myself on the internet because i'm showcasing my senior dance thesis on april 28 at 6:30 and 8:30 pm Eastern Standard Time and i want You to see it
we don't have a livestream link yet but we will. in the meantime look at these cool posters and this cool blurb. ok now save the date SEE YOU SOON
#my stuff#my art#these posters went through 14 separate drafts. it was a harrowing and difficult experience#i am Fully Going through it which means 1) physical health is suffering 2) social life also but 3) the thing is going to be so fucking good#sarus is gonna be the best thing ive ever made when we finish it. i Know it#so i want you to see it because it's one of those ambitious stories where everything's bigger than life#and the world is old and young and scary and kind and people live fearlessly and with cowardice#BUT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. IF YOU JUST KEEP WALKING. this is going to be one of those stories#so many dance blurbs and descriptions are like stupid technical like oh we explored the effect of weighing down our hands and feet#on our Center of Gravity and how it altered the rotational momentum of turns and jumps#or else they're stupid esoteric like oh the wind blew..... and the children wept and all over the world the oceans rose... (global warming)#so i was determined to make this blurb (which is going in the schoolwide email blast) accessible and provocative#and inviting#in a provocative way#im very Locked in rn. im Hyperfocused as fuck. i am not eating as well asi should be but IM TRYING#AND THATS WHAT MATTERS#im inviting all of u bc this is a piece that is going to try and say something and i want everyone ive ever loved to hear it#oghey bye
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Ideal Squad
weirdo meta-narrative man with good intentions and more control over his friends than is a good idea. wears weird fucking headgear that is notable and inherent to his design.
bitchy socialite bisexual with familial issues who ultimately does the right thing
repressed insanegirl with extensive anatomical knowledge and the cuntiest comebacks of all time
good dog. best friend. folk hero who is the loyalest guy ever with occasional bad taste in who to be loyal to, penchant for violence. even a redhead! very notably intertwined with his childhood best friend, meta-narrative man.
also the first three are all fucking
#ive posted this so many times on discord and felt like the world deserved a taste#the locked tomb#riverdale#jughead jones#john gaius#veronica lodge#augustine quinque#betty cooper#mercymorn cristabel#archie andrews#gideon the first#g1deon#mercymorn the first#augustine the first#sorry for this one#they're all fucking but the combinations are weird for both polycules so i didnt know how to explain it well#rvd#tlt#harrow the ninth#htn
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Well, I definitely have the autism.
My developmental delays are apparently worse than my initial diagnosis suggested. A lot worse.
So that’s fun.
#stella talks#.got diagnosed with a new learning disability through this tho so yaaaaaay more conditions to list on my medical records forever.#.this is technically all a good thing bc it will help me acquire funding to like. not Die.#.since i cannot work or look after myself and all that.#.but it’s both harrowing and affirming y’know.#.having a doctor look at you and go ‘… wow you’re really not doing well huh’.#.like yaaaay they noticed!! but jesus fuck if they noticed how bad am i actually????
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Fanime day 2!
Harrowhark- me
The most perfect Gideon ever- @bawdyknocker
Harrow vestige design (immediately marred by my traitorous watering eye) - @sleepysnailart
#the locked tomb#the locked tomb cosplay#Gideon the ninth#Gideon nav cosplay#Harrowhark nonagesimus cosplay#shadow stuff#her usual vestige is too complex for me to make look super good but this design is a great mixture of simple enough for me to do well#and complicated enough to look harrow appropriate#except then my eye watered so bad fucking immediately and ruined it#ffs maybe the greasepaint was better at least it wouldn’t have done THAT#doesn’t Brie look so good!!#the sword#the knuckle knives#the keys#the contacts#the shades#the muscles?!?#😘#also not to sound too humble but I’m very pleased with mine too#I was proud of my cape and ribcage and I had way better jewelry this time too#I just wish she hadn’t forgotten the best part of her knuckle knives in that first pic but it’s otherwise my fave picture of the weekend#I’m sad we didn’t get any of us together that weren’t selfies#but we did have a paid shoot and I will run here immediately when I get the pics back
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how the fuck have i almost surpassed my north dakota longfic with a fic that is literally just. trying to get charlie and dennis to bang
#I SAY TRYING BECAUSE THEY STILL HAVENT.#dennis is currently like 🤔 how can we do this without destroying my back.#*shakes season 16 charden by the shoulders* OLD MEN.#ada speaks#oh i see. you cant fuck because. *checks notes* its too dark. well sure. give me a couple hundred more words to fix that.#well go on-- oh for FUCKS sake what is it now#unending. they are like magnets repelling each other and its so funny to watch#if it was up to charlie they'd be fucking raw in some dirty alleyway#but dennis is so.#lmao.#im not even joking dennis has endlessly cockblocked himself and its not even within my control#im making light of this for comedic effect but genuinely harrowing to be like my god this man is a living minefield#im sorry about your complex ass trauma dennis im also sorry that you have decided to take on charlie's too#u don't have to do that. like nobody asked u to#ohhh did somebody infantilize the forty seven year old man? have you tried not fucking doing that perhaps#guy who *whack whack whack whack* needs to sTOP ITTT *SMACK SMACK*#GUY WHO NEEDS TO RESPECT CHARLIE AS AN ADULT *BAM* WHO CAN MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS *SMACK SLAP SLAP* AND IS CAPABLE OF THINKING FOR HIMSELF#incoherent im so sorry#this happens every time i post about my fics and then i continue to hoard them instead of sharing with the class
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dios apate, mother
#the background is WACKKK I was distracted by this weeks CR episode okay. I just finished it and I’m floored. fucking FLOORED!!!!!!!#if cr3 and tlt were crossed over wake and otohan would be chaos wives.#LAUDNA AND HARROW BEING BONE BESTIES????? ARE U KIDDING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#anyway. Irish wake be upon ye#tlt#the locked tomb#awake remembrance of these valiant dead#commander wake#Gideon nav#(by proxy)#(she’s technically cooking in the womb)#(you can’t see the belly very well tho)
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okay to be SO fucking for real about it? just now realized. there's definitely a lot of different reasons kiriona's named what she is. but firstly and foremostly can you IMAGINE how the houses would react if they knew god's heir was SOME RANDO FROM THE NINTH?? well. not so good it doesn't seem!
#well actually i think like. there are so many parts.#firstly the lyctors og names were forgotten#it's a whole thing etc mercy's like#do NOT tell the babies my name#so on so forth#and so that would bring gideon's name back into view#secondly. can you imagine the kind of scrutiny that would bring to the ninth?#whether or not god believed harrow about the tomb being open he probably would nooot want to chance all that#thirdly having a child clearly Of The Houses would lead everyone to be like what the actual fuck john why do you have a human baby and#also with WHO??? ninth's old af and also mostly corpses!"#fourthly. and i want to reread nona to figure out what's up with this.#if he let her keep her house name and TITLE it would have exposed the fact that the literal#daughter of god. is not a necromancer???#wild. anyways.#9#nona the ninth#nona the ninth spoilers#gideon the ninth spoilers#harrow the ninth spoilers#kiriona gaia#remy dont read this post#REMY NO
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wip because this definitely isn't coming out in days
when you see my harrow happy you know what im gonna do with him
#or him to himself#mostly the latter#he literally only has one image to me i can't even come up with any other more proper stuff for him to do lol#i mean. i did. but everything would still end up like this#also yes this is a fucking 10 page comics#with how each page is more like a standalone illustration on its own than a comic page i highly doubt if im even gonna finish this#warframe#warframe harrow#(yeah might as well tag him i enjoyed drawing him as much as i enjoy drawing gabriel)#ramble
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g*lmar rly has to be the best skajrim character on the real like even if you don't like him he just is . literally The best one i think......... on dat note i also imagine that he and ulfr*c despite being fairydust BFFs for lyfe genuinely have the worst communication skills ever seen
#text#but i already talked about how g*lmar is weird about ulfr*c anyways#literally jubilant and feeling special cus he's the only person ulfr*c actually trusts and speaks to outside of formal conversations#he's a very manly man too (like N*loth) for wanting to just control everything... well actually having ulfr*c under 'control' is enough 4 -#- him. unlike n*loth who wants to be above everything that moves. literally not about him tho#i hope that other st*rmcloaks develop a habit of going to hide downstairs in the palace whenever they can tell the vibe between -#- g*lmar and ulfr*c is off because they're gonna be yelling at each other and throwing shit around for 40 minutes in a few seconds#i don't believe they'd fight insanely often but being at an active war probably gets them heated more. Often than usual; and their -#- conflicts are never resolved. i feel like they just don't talk to each other for a good 2 days and act like nothing happened#they're way too manly and prideful to actually let the other one 'win' so they just don't say anything ever post-arguing#Tbhs g*lmar actually really likes that ulfr*c is so unstable and harrowed because it makes himself feel very good and reliable -#- but he has his limits 😂LMFAOO i bet sometimes he gets really tired of him being so traumatized. very rarely but he does think about it#i'll have to desribe that a bit better later tho... don't know how to word it atm#but maybe he wants to punch him or something BYE. no...... 💔savage as hell#he likes it in a very general sense of ulfr*c's personality especially between them but doesn't like it when it causes them to clash#this might just be mostly ulfr*c's doing cus i doubt he's actually talkative about his past issues and Troubles (torture mayhem) and -#- can't communicate anything about it or set boundaries when needed. he just gets mad or very avoidant. No fixing that tho#well it's just shameful to him so he'd rather do nothing than even admit anything to anyone Everrrrr#why does his life suck so bad LMFAOOOOOOOOO#their nasty musty mutualism .. leeching off your traumatized Bff so that he can make you feel good by saying he needs you in particular#while U pay him back with some support.......SOME#Oh well#that zero communication between some sk*rim characters looks yammy as fuck to me. A;lways. ALWAYS#nelvas is power dynamic induced...... g*lmar&&ulfr*c trauma-caused... elituli Um😂 t*llius doesn't even know any hobbies she has#bye this is why they're serving so hard
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